Trying to get the churning to stop and other stuff

I call it churning not sure what other RA patients call it but to me right now and since last afternoon, my left knee and ankle have been churning.  It’s like churning butter but it’s not nice and smooth, it’s like a slow churn of fire and glass making havoc to my knee and ankle.  A friend gave me a bengay stick, looks like deodarent, you put it in the freezer and when you need it, just turn the little nobby and presto gue, you but the gue on the area that hurts and it does help, so anyway I did that and took some pain meds, once the pain meds wear off the pain just comes back.

I thought that maybe if I sat in my room with the a/c going on high that the humidity and dew point would leave my body alone but I was wrong, had to try it though, I’ll try almost anything, heck, you can take my ankle and knee if you’d like,

My ankles have been swollen and getting more stiff every minute, I can barely walk to the kitchen or the bathroom without wanting to punch something.  Without having any type of drug therapy work for me, I feel naked, like my body is exposed to this disease, like there is nothing defending my body, even though nothing worked, I mentally felt like I was being defended even though I was sick like a dog, at least I was being defended.  Like my bipolar, I once had to go only 3 days without my medications because I had no money to get my scripts.  I didn’t sleep for 3 days and thought I was going to go crazy, I felt vulnerable and exposed and very unsafe without those medications.  I have never gone without again, it’s such a horrible feeling.  The thing is, when I was diagnosed at age 35 with bipolar, I was ok, or thought I was.  But I truly believe that if I ever went off my medications I would be worse off than I was before I was diagnosed because of the medications.

I have a few things that I’m diagnosed with, RA, Diabetes, Bipolar, Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Hypertension, High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol, Out of all of that crap, I would gladly taken them all if I could take away RA.

My churning is getting worse and so is my stiffness. My ankles and knee are so swollen and hot.  As I’m typing this I am watching Aileen, life of a serial killer.  I really feel for this lady, yes she killed a lot of people but this woman had a hard, hard childhood, not that it’s an excuse but she was put to death when she was mentally ill and had been raped more than once, it’s sad, she should have gotten life without parole not put to death.  Wow she was way out there.

Anyway, I’m going to get some bengay on my ankles and knee, take a pill and finish this documentary.

Life is NOT like a box of chocolates, it’s like a packet of skittles :).  


Author: Dawn Angelique

I'm 47 year old lesbian living in a body that doesn't like me. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibro, Diabetes, Bipolar, Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Hypertension, HBP, High Cholesterol. and neurapothy. But through all of this, I'm finally learning to live, even if it's just for moments.

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