Knock knock Dawn, it’s your tooth

Yeah so I have been having a rough day RA wise, been in bed until about a half hour ago, watched a good movie The Grey, Tucker howled whenever the wolves did, goofball.  So I got out of bed onto my recliner, called my sister, caught up with her, good and bad, whatever, changed me mood a little more sour, then out of NO WHERE my tooth starts hurting like really bad, so here I am with my tooth yelling at me, the pain goes all the way to my ear and the back of my head, what makes it worse is that I have a perfectly good script for 60 norcos sitting next to me but I can’t fill it because I have ZERO money, like an idiot I spent my last money on a pack of smokes, it’s my poison.  So not only can I NOT get that script til Friday, I also need to cancel my dental appt because I am out of bus fair on my card.  I’m so happy to be on disability and have no money or car.  I’m really tired of just surviving, I’ve been doing it for 7 years and it’s tiring, I don’t want to do it any more.  I’m not on disability because of my RA I’m on it because when my mom died I went FUCKING CRAZY, I had 2 nervous breakdowns in the span of 5 months, I put myself in partial hospitalization for a month, then I went to day treatment, all the while getting unemployment and taking care of 5 animals.  A woman I met while in partial also folllowed with day treatment, she killed herself, I left the group.  So basically I applied for disability back then but I couldn’t wait, I had to feed myself, pay rent ,the bills and feed my pets.  So I worked temp jobs mostly, I couldn’t find a full time job.  I was an AVP before my mom died, they fired me because of my leave, after I worked temp jobs stressing from day to day wondering if this was going to be the day I’m let go, I did that for 5 years, so damn stressed out, I was about to seriously kill myself, the only thing that kept me alive were my pets, nobody could care for them like me.  I started getting let go, not because my assignment ended but because I was fucking up which was not me, I was losing it, I couldn’t handle stress, during that span of 5 years or so, I first had my left ovary taken out, 6 months later my gallbladder, then I had an intestinal blocakage, week later, I had a heart attack, then later I had a hysto, I have a lesion on my liver that’s growing slowly, I have diabetes, RA, Bipolar, anxiety, PTSD, so I got on the computer and I applied online giving them information since I was 19 and tried to off myself, all hospital, clinics, everything, I had gotten let go too many times and had had it.  I was approved within 4 months, without a lawyer.  I’m thankful for it, I just don’t know how they expect people to live on it. 

I guess I ranted on and on, I guess I needed to get it out, I can just never seem to let go of things, I may let them lay dormant in my memory for a while but someday they come back up, just like people I should stay away from, I stay away for a while but eventually, my soul needs some sort of comfort so I seek it.  Right now I could use some comfort, physically and emotionally.

I’m out……….


Author: Dawn Angelique

I'm 47 year old lesbian living in a body that doesn't like me. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibro, Diabetes, Bipolar, Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Hypertension, HBP, High Cholesterol. and neurapothy. But through all of this, I'm finally learning to live, even if it's just for moments.

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